Astral Abracadabra

Enjoy and sample a few odd pieces of Arcana and occult humor Courtesy of the GALACTIC PRESS!

SELECTIONS: Jinn Am' Phulofit , Ancient Astro Alchemy, Fairy Godfather Percy's Celestial Numbers, Galactic Gimcrackery, Astro-Arcanus, Ask Nokanduski.

 

IMPORTANT NOTICE ABOUT THE JINN …

Before you read on, please note that our research has uncovered that Jinn Am’ Phulofit was born centuries ago on what we now celebrate as APRIL FOOL’S DAY. As a matter fact, he blatantly takes credit for inventing APRIL FOOL’S DAY not just because he was bored and wanted to have more fun when he celebrated his special day but because he does not suffer fools gladly. Try not to take his words seriously – he loves to rile folks up! Enjoy his warped sense of humor …laughter is after all the best medicine!

I am the great Jinn Am’ Phulofit. Those of you mere mortals who identify me as a genie will do this because you have the mind of a backward walking donkey. Those of you who are enlightened will recognize me as the great Jinn and Master of fate that I am!

If you think I am here to grant you wishes or to give you some fine future prediction then think again! I am here to give you my predilection for your sign. For you sons and daughters of the backward walking donkey, that means I’m going to give you a message according to the favorable prepossession of my mind. Does this mean good tidings for you? This is not probable. The editor of this publication, who has the audacity of a three humped camel, summoned me while I was in another place and time … the Hot Springs Harem Huuk-huuk where Oola the slave girl was casting me the come hither look while bouncing pomegranate seeds off my turban! At my age, time travel and an oasis with good accommodations are nearly impossible!

So, you Homosapien hoi polloi sons and daughters of the backward walking donkey, here is a piece of my mind …

 

ARIES

You can be a real idiot sometimes. You never know when to shut up and just keep ramming through obstacles when all you have to do is walk around them. Duh! All Aries men aspire to be Captain Kirk with a dash of Hugh Hefner … daring to go where no man has gone before and likely to get caught. All Aries women aspire to be Xena the Warrior Princess with a dash of Descartes … beauty, brains, and brawn or fast, overbearing, and pushy. This just goes to show how egotistical you all are! There is no subtlety here, just rashness and brashness. Aries men and women deserve each other. This is because no one else in the human race can stand you.

 

TAURUS

What are you laughing at? You’re no more than a petty tyrant with enough conceit to outlast any Leo. Some of the worst people in history were born under your sign – Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Jim Jones, and the Ayatollah Khomeini. What’s that you say? These are just exceptions to the rule? You’d rather be an artist and a lover? Just like Carmen Electra or George Clooney? Far be it from me to tell you any different. You’re impossible, immovable, and imperious. You eat too much and like everyone else to eat too much and then get a kick out of it when they get fat and you don’t. If this weren’t bad enough, you expect everyone else to pay for your meal.

 

GEMINI

Many call you the sparkling gem of the Zodiac but the truth is you are the world’s greatest con artist. You make an art form out of lying even to yourself! When you get caught in a lie you very conveniently blame it on your “other” personality. Of course when someone tries to address that “other” personality about the lie it’s nowhere to be found. You could do great things in life but you have no staying power. “Call me later” has become your personal mantra. What“later?” There is no later! You’re too busy running around in reckless abandon to pay much attention. You have a smart aleck answer for everything and claim to have immunity to the remarks of others. The truth is you can’t stand to be bested verbally especially by a Sagittarian who by nature thinks you are an imbecile. You like to fool around … a lot. Don Juan was a Gemini. All Gemini Men think they are Don Juan or the Marquee de Sade who was also a Gemini. Gemini women don’t know who they are so they just make it up as they go along.

 

CANCER

Oh stop whining! All that love and nurturing nonsense connected to your sign is overrated! The truth is you rarely help anyone except those in your immediate family and even that isn’t help …it’s really more like stifling! You’re never in a good mood and are always irritable. You have yourself convinced that you are easy to get along with and expect everyone else to follow suit. When they don’t comply with your expectations there is a problem …a BIG problem! It is true that you like to cook and will do so for just about everyone except Taureans who won’t pay you for the groceries because they don’t see the value in something they can’t collect and stare at for hours. All Cancers love shoes. Imelda Marcos was a Cancer who loved shoes –all of the1000 pairs in her closet. You will lend out your shoes but not to Geminis because they lose them and then lie about it.

 

LEO

Do we have to talk about you?! You do enough of that yourself! Even you quiet ones have a knack for showing off which is evident by your ostentatious accoutrement and gaudy jewelry. Your sign is often described as kingly, kind, and generous but this usually comes from other Leos. You’re not really generous. As a matter of fact you’re dumb as a rock sitting on the desert sand when it comes to money. You’ll buy anything just for show. It’s not a good idea for you to hang around with Aries or Sagittarius because they’re dumb about money too. You’re better off hanging around with a Taurus. At least aTaurus will tell you WHEN, WHERE, WHY, and HOW to spend your money. All Leos have floor to ceiling mirrored bedrooms with a spotlight that shines on the bed. This makes it easy for them to wake up admiring themselves. All Leos also have a secret gold crown that they wear when they go to the bathroom. After all, a throne is a throne.

 

VIRGO

All Virgos are sadists. You are the sign that rules health but what you’ve really done is create different brands of neurosis for all the rest of the signs. Then you very cleverly hide behind your own hypochondria so no one suspects what you’ve done. What is all this nonsense about your sign being the sign of dedicated service and hard work? That’s a bunch of hooey! You people are the laziest louts in existence. You just like to pretend that you’re busy. You do this by spitting out technical information that no one else at work can possibly understand. They walk away so confused that they don’t notice that you’re really just sitting there playing Nintendo Gameboy all afternoon. You people have more excuses than a camel has fleas. You can put things off for years with seemingly perfect rational explanations of why it is wise to wait. It’s a good thing you don’t team up any Geminis because nothing would ever get done. Both of you should shut up and sit down.

 

LIBRA

You people have a lot of nerve. You are supposed to be the tactful sign of the Zodiac but you can employ the mouth of a truck driver and then end your statements with, “have a nice day.” You invented this approach because you are jealous of Scorpio who also has the mouth of a truck driver, doesn’t apologize for it and gets away with it. You figure your approach will guarantee you the popularity you can’t live without. There is no such thing as a fat, disheveled, or ugly Libra. It was a Libra who invented liposuction, breast implants, plastic surgery, and collagen injections to avoid such distasteful ends. Libras can’t stand to grow old and that is why they hate the sign of Capricorn which represents “youth in old age” and oh how Capricorn loves to grind it in by constantly advising, “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it!

 

SCORPIO

All Scorpios are stupid and there is historic fact to prove it. In ancient times Scorpio was depicted as an eagle and better yet, the phoenix! So what do you insist upon as a representative of your sign? The lowly scorpion, scourge of the desert and bane of my ancestors! You’re not fooling anyone. You did this just to be irritating. You irritate everyone. You should team up with Aries so you can corner the market on irritation. It doesn’t stop there. Your sign has heralded some of the worst disasters in history except the sinking of the Titanic which belongs to Aries. Your sign marked the crash ofthe U.S. stock exchange in 1929, the start of the Bolshevik revolution, Black Tuesday, the start of the Great Depression and the explosion of the first hydrogen bomb. Most likely you also heralded the Black Plague. Then there’s the sex thing. We won’t go there. Perhaps you should rethink your sign symbol and pick a new one. Godzilla might work.

 

SAGITTARIUS

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know it all! Actually you know nothing. At the beginning of time the Powers that Be played a huge joke on you. There was a big argument about whether an object, animal, or human figure should represent your sign. Some wanted your sign to be a jackass and others a wise sage. No one could agree so they decided to make your symbol half human and half jackass. This worked for a while until someone took pity and changed the animal half to a horse.Unfortunately, the connotation of jackass remained. That is why today Sagittarius reflects two characteristics – either the wise sage or the horse’s derriere … you know kind of a perfect idiot. How can an idiot be perfect? You should explain this to everyone else since you invented it. Come on, you know you want to! Most Sagittarians live to a ripe old age but they don’t look pretty like Libra. The females look like a 125 year old version of Hermione Gingold and the males like a 125 year oldversion of Ozzy Osborne.

 

CAPRICORN

All Capricorns are all really aliens. In reality, you look like a cross between Henny Youngman and David Bowie but since you are surrounded by an alien force field everyone thinks you look likeNicholas Cage or Sissy Spacek. This is done mostly to aggravate Librans who are jealous of your false capacity to stay young looking. Over the centuries you have done a good job pinning your alien rap on Aquarius who is now viewed as the weirdo of the Zodiac thanks to you. You have been called everything from a workaholic to a mystic and you embrace these labels to keep humans confused. Capricorn, you don’t work nor are you mystical. You may be disguised as a human but your terrible eating habits and laziness give you away. What you really do is sit around all day playing poker, drinking beer, eating pork rinds and levitating. You consider Spam and Hamburger Helper gourmet food. Pretty soon everyone is going to catch on to you. Even your symbol the Seagoat is phony. What’s a Seagoat anyway? It’s nothing more than a botched alien attempt to fit in. Shame on you!

 

AQUARIUS

You people can’t keep a commitment to save your lives! You’ll disappear without a trace, return ten years later, and expect everyone you’ve offended to welcome with open arms like nothing happened. No one knows where you go and you can’t remember where you’ve been. It’s all part of a plot devised by you to drive everyone else crazy. You did this so you could become rich … your sign invented psychoanalysis. You are supposed to be the sign of humanitarianism but the truth is you really don’t even like other people unless you are having sex with them or they are lending you their condo for the weekend. You are an intellectual snob and lose patience with anyone you deem less enlightened than you. Sometimes you’ll talk to a Sagittarian but only if there’s an Aries around to act as referee – or would that be monkey in the middle?

 

PISCES

Why do you always think you have something to prove? You make a complete fool out of yourself trying to fit in where you don’t belong. Actually, you really know this about yourself which is why you invented nudist camps. You did this to get even with the other signs because you knew most of them wouldn’t have the guts to join except for Libra who is just looking for an excuse to get a complete body overhaul. So, how did you get even with Libra? You invented leap year so that some of your kind could stay perpetually young by having one birthday every four years. This of course drives the Libra to distraction. You also invented Scientology just to aggravate Aquarians. The only sign you get along with is Cancer because you have two things in common. The two of you like to play Sarah Bernhardt and two of you have a shoe fetish. Both of you need to get a life.